Finding Refuge In God: A Reflection on Psalm 34

Today is one of those days. This week is one of those weeks. How do I know? Because this has been one of those months. Frankly, it has been years of battling in the muck. My life has passed in the battle; all left is the duff on the ground.
This journal entry is me engaging in a war I no longer feel like fighting. I am tired and worn. I am a jellyfish. I cannot hold my form. When others try to help me, I sting them for their efforts. I need the elixir of the water, which gives life, and nothing else.

Where do I get this water? Acts 4:12 shows the way.

"[12] And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved." (ESV)

Tired and Worn

When I say “tired and worn,” I mean I am thin. Thin in endurance. Thin in strength. Thin in thinking. Thin in emotional forbearance. Thinner than a fly’s wing. Thin where power once was exhibited. Pillars of intellect once towered are now wafers in the wind. Thin as I perceive life erode into eternity. Done. Gone. Thin from being thin. Tired from being tired. I am a person in desperate need of encouragement. Scripture, like 2 Thessalonians 3:13, is both a beacon and a bane.

"[13] As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good." (ESV)

“I am already weary!” I yell back. “Ok. Ok. I can do this.” That last part is to myself. “I can’t do this!” I cry back to my encourager.

Not a Track Meet

For a runner in a race, the cheerleader tells you to keep on! But I am not in a race. I am fighting for my life and the life of my family. I am in the trenches. Anyone encouraging me is also in the trenches.

But I forget this and treat them like the Candyland cheerleaders at a foot race while I am in the heat of battle. I am a soldier whose finger is too weak to squeeze the trigger. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get that trigger to pull back. All the while, they are cheering. “Yeah, Israel! You can do it! Rah, rah, rah!”

“Blah, blah, blah.”

That is because my battle includes the battle of the mind. I know my mind lies to me. When it does, I am sore in spirit. The soreness comes from the internal struggle. Thus, each person’s words of comfort become festering sores. Why? Because I struggle to trust people. The more I grapple in the battle, the more I struggle to trust people.

“I’m a blind man fighting a world swinging back at me.”

– Eyes on You, Shane and Shane

There are many facets to this struggle. But here is one. I struggle because I need to hear from God. My comfort comes from Him. And it is upon Him that I wait.

As I wait upon Him, I need to own my perspective. Who am I in this? What is my disposition? What are my thoughts? What are my emotions? I do not know. In other words, I need to journal my talk with God to identify and accurately express myself.
God journals back to me.

Who Provides the Strength for Life?

I am coming to Scripture in hopes that God will be faithful to me, although I fail in my faithfulness to Him. A famous Psalm of encouragement becomes my spring of water because I need to remember that God is good to all His children, not just some. I need more than just the sanitized setting of a lecture hall. I need more. Remember…I am a jellyfish.

I ask God to speak to me about these struggles in my life. Not people. The perspectives of Eliphaz, Bildad, Zophar, and Elihu have no use here. I confess I struggle with being accusatory toward God.

“He was angry with Job for justifying himself rather than God.” Job 32:2

I caution myself at every turn to bide my mind. My feelings are hostile toward God. I am asking God to fix my spirit toward him to be one of peace and repentance.

God does justify Himself in Scripture. Not that He owes me that. I’m wicked demanding an answer from God while refusing to read His response. Even more, God justifies Himself before us, collectively and individually. This means God speaks directly to my life struggles via Holy Writ. The Holy Spirit gives me victory over my struggles in life. He gives victory so that from the ashes of my ruin, my family rises more beautiful, true, and good because of Jesus. Undoubtedly, God has been about ruining my family for our good.

Broken Pot Here

Father, I need your help here because you know I would be lying if I said I am coming to you in joyful anticipation of the outcome. Instead, I am a bit shy from experience. But I also acknowledge that when I consider the essential things of life such as justness, honor, peace, love, and consciousness – there is no comparison to You. Only in You can we find these things. Therefore, I need to trust You.

I feel like You are making it hard to do that trusting. Which I know is a lie, but how do I get past my person’s perspective? I need an attitude adjustment. But, I also get that I cannot do these things for myself. I am too weak for the self-help crowd. I am too thin to cheer with the cheerleaders.

Thank you for letting me be honest about my struggles with you. Help me not be ashamed in You, Father. I know it is only because of Jesus, who intercedes on my behalf right now, that this is possible. In the Name of Jesus, I thank you Father.

I am buckling up because God speaks.

Psalm 34

[1] Of David, when he changed his behavior before Abimelech, so that he drove him out, and he went away.

I will bless the LORD at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
[2] My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
let the humble hear and be glad.
[3] Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

[4] I sought the LORD, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
[5] Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
[6] This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
[7] The angel of the LORD encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.

[8] Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
[9] Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!
[10] The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

[11] Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
[12] What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see good?
[13] Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.
[14] Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

[15] The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
[16] The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
[17] When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
[18] The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

[19] Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the LORD delivers him out of them all.
[20] He keeps all his bones;
not one of them is broken.
[21] Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
[22] The LORD redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned. (ESV)

Jesus helps me understand the world. I am Iz. My goal is to share my daily fight in the hopes of being an example. An example of what exactly? Of someone who is trying live victoriously in Jesus. I fail often. Just as often, the Holy Spirit provides comfort as Jesus advocates for me before God the Father’s throne. It is my constant reality. It is a liberating reality.

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